In 2014, I will trust myself.

27 11 2013

i know i don’t love Darrell. i write this so i can remember it later if i overthink myself back into muddiness.

i love him for who he is and for his honesty and integrity and that he has a good hear and no maliciousness, but i don’t love him as a life partner. i find myself annoyed that so many conversations with Darrell come round to him being the subject of the conversation. i write this not to be mean-spirited but to remember specifics of the moment, so i don’t second guess myself again. i don’t have the patience for Darrell i had for Steve, or better to say, the patience i should have for someone i love.

i am not my best with him. this is not fair to him. i knew this before but convinced myself recently out of loneliness and regret over my Steve mistakes that i could look at Darrell anew, give him a fair shake sans Steve ghost.

funny, now i know this, rather recall it, i feel less anxiety about about going to New Zealand. i think i can enjoy the country and enjoy Darrell as a friend. i am glad to have more clarity for having made a decision, but i am so flawed. my goal for the new year is to claim that clarity earlier, to trust my feelings before hurting other people or myself.

still i feel better today than yesterday. making this choice to go to NZ gave me the clarity to know i don’t want Darrell as a partner, and i am glad to have that peace and perspective.

listening in the moment

25 11 2013

it’s when i’m alone that anxiety takes over, and i make up feelings.

perhaps i really love Darrell, i can say to myself. but when i’m in the moment and paying attention to talking with him, i feel that i care for him and maybe even love him but don’t love him deeply as a life partner, not like Steve. i don’t want to keep comparing everyone i meet to Steve. every relationship is different, but i do want the depth of emotion and connection I had with Steve.

i also want to see Darrell once more, that whole being sure racket. try to see him outside of the lens of Steve. i also want to see sheep, lots and lots of sheep. life is short, and i don’t think i’ll have this opportunity again to experience Maori culture and New Zealand with a native. if i am lying to myself, at least i am not lying to anyone else, though i know my most important relationship is with myself. so i will enjoy the ride and listen to my feelings in the moment and deal with any fallout on the back end. period. the end.

Drive by mom visit

13 11 2013

Mom did a drive by last night. Mr. Song had an immigration appointment in Durham, so they hung out at McDonald’s, until Ed and I got home.

Mom always arrives in a hurricane of shopping bags, plastic containers of food, and whatever OCD-binge over stock she has in her freezer, like eight packages of pastrami or whatever else was on sale.

We went to pick up my foam mattress then had dinner at Golden Corral, where Mom put every white food on her plate, and Mr. Song had fish followed by vegetables followed by fruit. Korean Jack Sprat and his missus.

Mom found Ed’s bong under the sink, which led to a lot of questions interspersed with, “Are you going to New Zealand? Do you still miss Steve?” and so on. I wonder where Eddie gets his ADD.

Ed came home from a late-night work task, and we both jimmied a boxspring up the spiral staircase, so I can sleep on a bed. We ended up sleeping in and having coffee together, only after Mom called to ask if that wasn’t really a crack pipe she saw.

It was a wonderful night. Mom had a good time, and I think Eddie also got some gratification out of buying us all dinner. I was rewarded by putting self-importance aside and business aside and enjoying the present with Ed and Mom.



moving on

11 11 2013

Mo invited me for a run, and I saw Steve tonight. I didn’t die. I felt a little nervous inside, but mostly happy to see him, like all is right with the world, if Steve is in it. He’s so stinking adorable. Mo and I were talking, and he was nice enough to come over to say “hi”, that’s the kind of person he is. I don’t have any illusions that there is a chance for us. I want to be with Steve, but I know he’s moved on. It was just good to see him and cross that bridge. When the runners headed out, I naturally fell in step for a few feet behind Steve, such was my habit to meet him to run. God I would have loved to have had a beer with him, but I will be happy with having seen Steve and gotten to talk with him.

It was a good day in other ways. I chatted with a woman on the bus, someone who went back to nursing school in her late 30s. She struck up the conversation noticing I was outlining a law chapter. It was a good reminder to be in the moment and enjoy people. I also finished my communications class assignments, got to know a classmate a little better in the library and saw some old heads at the Nog. I don’t have Steve but I’ll be ok knowing he’s around and is happy.

I’m still working on moving on.

10 11 2013

I saw Tom and Sonia and their two new Nigerian Dwarf goats tonight. Good evening. Sonia lamented some work drama, and Tom showed off his new goat shed and bunny house. Sonia mentioned something about Steve and asked if he’d moved, mentioning after we’d broken up, Steve talked about moving to California. God. How could I have done that to Steve? I feel sorrowful for ever causing him that kind of pain. It’s hard to accept and forgive myself that I did that to Steve, who loved me very much.

It was wonderful to catch up with Tom and Sonia and listen to Niall play violin, while we drank goat milk hot chocolate. I have to remember Sonia cares for Steve and seeing Sonia will be a reminder of him. Just when it seems each day has gotten a little better, and I think of Steve less…I don’t know. How do you keep from wanting to be with someone you love?

Knowing Steve has moved on and is happy gives me hope I will be able to move on too.

holiday haka

6 11 2013

i’m going to new zealand. decision made. no more waffling.
i’m kind of excited. most important, i think i can do this without setting myself back and returning to a place of being dishonest with anyone.

i told steve how much i loved him, and i told darrell too that the entire time he and i were together, there were three of us in the relationship, including steve. now i’m talking with darrell again, i told him i’m not over my last relationship. i don’t want to hurt him, but i don’t want to lie about anything anymore.

i’m not as good of a person as i want to be yet but i feel lighter. more operating from love and honesty, less fear and selfishness. at least, that’s where i want to be.

so, my friends gave me their different perspectives on going to new zealand to visit. rebecca asked what the trip would do to my peace of mind after getting to this place. tanja, tri, eddie, and my mother too had good advice. tri questioned whether i would enjoy new zealand being his friendĀ  who lives least in the moment. (that sounds about right, since tri is my friend who lives most in the moment, a quality i really admire.)

funke said to me tonight, look. you have your answer about steve. if you care about darrell, then maybe you owe it to yourself to see if you can get to know him for who he really is and not just as non-steve. go visit. be in the moment and enjoy each day and then you’ll know. what’s wrong with wanting to go to new zealand?

so, i guess she absolved me of some of my guilt about going. i kept getting stuck on, “what would steve think?” if there was ever a chance for us to be together, what would steve think? how asinine. steve’s moved on, and the truth is, the opinion that matters most is my own. i have to be able to look myself in the mirror.

so i’ve been honest. i am still kind of selfish. but i d@mn sure am not going back to a place of being dishonest.

critiquing your own presentations

3 11 2013

is akin to running your fingernails down a chalkboard. (do any of my classmates know what a chalkboard is?) i listened to my airchecks for years when i worked in radio, but watching myself on video was still uncomfortable.

we had to deliver 5-minute presentations for our Professional Communications class. Professor Kelley O’Brien is sharp. she’s not teaching us rocket science, but she’s making us do what we might not do otherwise. we’re learning to edit ourselves and each other again and again and view communications as a process.

so my critique of my presentation (1:55:00) for nonverbal skills is

  • i stayed on one side of the room
  • my arms are praying mantis arms, like they’re hinged at the elbow
  • i need to stand up straighter

for verbal skills

  • sometimes i end sentences too low (depressing) and sometimes too high (like a question)
  • my speech can be too informal
  • i need to speak more from the diaphragm and not the back of my throat; sounds unnatural
  • overall, more intonation and passion