Ashes to Ashes, but First a Nice Pine Box

13 02 2014

I read this lovely editorial about preparing for death. In the end, the building of the pine box was more important than the box.
This led me to this beautiful poem, “The Old Astronomer (to His Pupil)” by Sarah Williams. The writer liked these lines:

Though my soul may set in darkness, it will rise in perfect light;
I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.

And I also like these

I have sown, like Tycho Brahé, that a greater man may reap;
But if none should do my reaping, ‘twill disturb me in my sleep
So be careful and be faithful, though, like me, you leave no name;
See, my boy, that nothing turn you to the mere pursuit of fame.

7 02 2014

i have a problem. i don’t appreciate what i have. who has loved me more than Darrell? i didn’t appreciate him when we were together, and so i broke up with him and broke his heart. wth is wrong with me? and do i really love him and want to be with him? all this time, i’ve longed for Steve, and now i’ve ended with Darrell, i think maybe there is no going back. i am scared of being with Steve and scared of being without Darrell. i am batsh!t and all i can think right now is Darrell is on the other side of the world hurting, and i made him feel that way.

instead of wanting to run to Steve, i don’t want to see him. i am thinking about how hurtful this breakup is to Darrell.

I broke up with Darrell

7 02 2014

for good. 

I feel lower than whale sh!t. How could I hurt Darrell? He is so loving and generous and perhaps the most open-hearted and honest person I know when it comes to his feelings. He said everything with no pretention.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 
I wanted this to work out, which is why I treated it like there wasn’t going to be a second chance.
I’m here if you change your mind. I still want you.
I was hoping our communication patterns would change with time.
I was thinking when I came to visit you, we’d take the next step.”

I’m a b!tch who deserves to be alone.