I broke up with Darrell

7 02 2014

for good. 

I feel lower than whale sh!t. How could I hurt Darrell? He is so loving and generous and perhaps the most open-hearted and honest person I know when it comes to his feelings. He said everything with no pretention.

“You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. 
I wanted this to work out, which is why I treated it like there wasn’t going to be a second chance.
I’m here if you change your mind. I still want you.
I was hoping our communication patterns would change with time.
I was thinking when I came to visit you, we’d take the next step.”

I’m a b!tch who deserves to be alone.

Raleigh is too small.

8 12 2013

I met Mo out at Kings Barcade for The Love Language show tonight. She brought Margaret and Alex. Later, Joe showed up Steve. I was hoping he wouldn’t show, since I love The Love Language, but that’s the extent to which I don’t factor into his decisions.

He looked so adorable. When I see Steve, I feel first happiness, because he’s the same Steve I used to talk to. Then it’s sadness, because he loves someone else now. I know the next time I see Steve, he’ll be with girlfriend. I wish could stop loving him but I trust time will do its thing.

Joe asked how I was doing, and I said I was focused on school. Joe said, “Life is not about school or work; it’s about love.” Yeah, he’s right.

Alex came from a wedding where he was the best man. He said he had mixed feelings about seeing his friend get married only two years after getting divorced. I like his idea about having a Valentines party for single people to celebrate the benefits of being single. I look forward to being single next year and spending time with family and friends and my d@mn self.

the upside of losing love

15 09 2013

you lost him, and it hurts.
i hope this helps you through your heartbreak.

some takeaways from losing the person you love:

  • you feel pain because you love someone deeply. find solace in that. you are not incurably ambivalent and you know that now.
  • you’re alive and you know it, because your heart is broken. you feel emotions acutely right now. you cry, you laugh, you cling tighter to the people in your life. it is very good to be alive.
  • your friends love you. you told them about your stupid mistakes, and they agreed. you were stupid. somehow, they still love and support you.
  • you were amazing once, so amazing that this wonderful man fell in love with you. you still are that person, though you can’t see it because you’re sad. you can be amazing again, whatever that means to you. this will not win you back your love, but it will bring you joy in your life.
  • you’ve learned from this heartbreak and you won’t make this mistake again. the next time you find love, you’ll claim it.

The manly laundry list 3.0

3 03 2013

The list is getting longer, as I’m getting older. Not a good trend.

  1. empathetic
  2. kind
  3. considerate – e.g., waits for others to order their meal; asks if I need anything
  4. smart
  5. funny, witty
  6. curious
  7. grateful
  8. honest and open – shares without being asked
  9. excellent communicator
  10. feminist – loves women for their uniqueness and individuality, not their collective necessity; doesn’t generalize about women or people; grew up with women
  11. generous – with time, money and spirit
  12. manly – he has strong values and convictions; doesn’t believe values are subjective; his friends are like-minded
  13. non-materialistic – experiences > things, but buys things when things are needed
  14. secure – doesn’t have to prove his worth in conversations with others; can make choices without needing others’ approval
  15. active – likes to do things on holiday
  16. self-motivated – doesn’t wait for others to plan activities
  17. in the moment – can plan but doesn’t have to
  18. physically active – likes to run
  19. self-aware – knows himself and his feelings
  20. non-narcissistic – doesn’t have to put others or their views find to justify himself
  21. loves children
  22. cosmopolitan – reads the news ; considers our place in the world
  23. physically attractive – physically fit and a twinkle in the eye
  24. frugal but willing to spend money on experiences and others
  25. complimentary
  26. loyal
  27. great conversationalist – talks and asks questions
  28. clean – cleans himself and his home well
  29. spontaneous or at least flexible and open to risk – plastic chair restaurants > expat experiences
  30. observant – still capable of childlike wonder over the small details of life and people

from my friend jonathan

9 07 2010

I send you in this email a suit of “virtual emotional armor.” You will gird yourself with this emotional armor and thus protected will conduct yourself courageously as you take the necessary steps required to forge a new life. You will emerge on the other side of this trial safe, sound and very self-assured.